she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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