take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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