it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
