I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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