____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
