I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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