She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
