Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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