cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
