apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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