my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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