One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
