I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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