smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
