Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
