I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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