my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
