My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
