he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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