Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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