We're facebook friends in real life
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
