Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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