so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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