you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize