my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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