that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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