do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
