you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
