What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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