I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
