I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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