someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
