dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
