I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
