I looked at my own cervix.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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