Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
