i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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