I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
