bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
