Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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