So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
