I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
