I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
