so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
