I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
