we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
