its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
