Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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