it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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