i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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