Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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