apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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