wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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