My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
