my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
