I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
