No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
