Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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